No visible bruises
There was nothing to show. There was so much to tell.
For the moments you became so good at explaining away. And the words you needed to find.
- Built by women who lived it
- Everyday examples, not definitions
- Real accounts and coroners' findings, credited
- For anyone trying to understand
Our approach
The part you don't usually get to see.
Maybe you have seen the government campaigns and still don't quite get it. This site shows what coercive control looks like to someone living it. Small, everyday examples that rarely get said out loud.
You think it might be you
Everyday examples, sorted into the patterns they belong to.
Recognise the pattern You're worried about someoneWhat to say, what to stop asking, and how to stay in her life.
For friends and family You want to understand itThe same moment, from the outside and from the inside.
See what it looks like You want to raise awarenessWhat people say, and what is really happening. Made to be passed on.
What people say
The part they couldn't see
What they saw. What I was living.
“The abuser's most skilful trick is to make his abuse invisible.”Jess Hill
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Things I used to say
It all sounded so reasonable.
- “He's just stressed.”
- “It's easier just to stay.”
- “I made him mad.”
- “It doesn't happen that often.”
- “He's going through a hard time.”
- “I'm too sensitive.”
- “Every couple fights.”
- “He said sorry.”
- “He's a good dad.”
- “I shouldn't have brought it up.”
- “He's not like that all the time.”
- “It's not that bad.”
- “I just need to try harder.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “He only does it because he cares.”
- “But he didn't hit me.”
Recognise the pattern
It can look like this.
Ordinary moments. Extraordinary rules. One moment on its own is easy to explain away. Here is what each one can sound like behind closed doors.
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The forms it takes- EmotionalPut-downs, blame, silence used as punishment.
- PsychologicalThreats, mind games, making you doubt your own memory.
- FinancialControlling the money, demanding receipts, cutting up cards.
- PhysicalBlocking a doorway, breaking things, holes punched in walls.
- SexualPressure, guilt, or sex you do not feel free to refuse.
- ReproductiveDeciding about contraception or pregnancy for you.
- SocialCutting you off from friends, family and work.
- Cultural or spiritualKeeping you from your community, culture or faith.
- TechnologyTracking your phone, reading messages, demanding passwords.
- StalkingTurning up, following, constant calls and texts.
- Through the childrenThreats about the children, or using them to carry messages.
- Through systemsUsing services, agencies or courts to threaten or wear you down.
It spreads
It doesn't stop with her.
- The children
They are not just witnesses. They live under the same rules.
What it does to children - The people who stay out of it
Staying out of it leaves her alone with it. Trust her. She and the children would have stayed out of it too, if they could.
- The people and businesses who back him
Friends, clubs and workplaces that take his word give the story somewhere to live.
- The systems
Leaving rarely ends the abuse. Often it gets worse. Courts, agencies and other people can be used to keep it going.
More on this soon
From the outside
What people say. What's really happening.
“It's a messy break-up. I'm staying out of it.”
It isn't two equals fighting. It's a power imbalance.
“I can't imagine him getting angry.”
You weren't meant to. He chooses who sees it, and she covers for him.
“There are two sides to every story.”
Not when one side is afraid of the other. Notice who tells theirs the loudest.
“But he's such a good bloke.”
Being liked isn't the same as being safe to live with.
“If it was that bad, she'd have said something.”
Speaking up can cost her more than staying quiet.
“Why didn't she just leave?”
Because she knew it would only get worse. The better question is how we keep her safe.
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When you take his side
Even staying neutral isn't neutral.
- Control depends on being believed. Charm is part of how it works.
- Each person who takes his word is one less person she and the children can turn to.
- You don't have to confront anyone. You only have to stay in her life. It can be as simple as asking, “How are the kids going?”
After she leaves
Why didn't she just leave? This is why.
Leaving is when his control is most under threat, and it is widely recognised as the most dangerous time. This is what a Queensland coroner recorded after Hannah Clarke left.
- He rallied supporters
He contacted friends he had not seen for years, and people he thought could help his cause.
- He rewrote her
He told friends and family she was drinking heavily, cheating and lying. He told her parents she was crazy.
- He became the victim
People who believed him gave him money and support.
- He kept watching
He turned up at her work most shifts to check on her, and kept doing it after she left.
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She had a protection order, and she felt reassured by it. He breached it. When police reminded him the order was still in place, he told them:
“I'm very smart about what I do.”
From the findings of the inquest into the deaths of Hannah Clarke and her children, Queensland, 2022. The findings describe their deaths in detail. Read the coroner's findings. Researchers also record threats of suicide, constant contact and stalking as ways control escalates after separation (Jane Monckton Smith, In Control).
The hard truth
It rarely gets better. It almost always gets worse, especially when you leave.
Control does not ease with time. It tightens. It is most dangerous when he feels he is losing it.
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intimate partner homicides reviewed in NSW were preceded by coercive control.NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team, deaths from 2008 to 2016
If it is getting worse, talk to someone
- It starts fast
- The rules arrive
- His control is threatened
- It escalates
After Jane Monckton Smith's homicide timeline, drawn from a study of 372 killings.
In their memory
They should still be here.
Hannah, her three children and Lilie were deeply loved. We say their names with care, so the signs that came first are recognised sooner.
Queensland inquest / 2022
Hannah Clarke and her children, Aaliyah, Laianah and Trey
Their family started Small Steps 4 Hannah to help people recognise coercive control and halt family violence. Queensland's coercive control law is known as Hannah's Law.
Support Small Steps 4 Hannah Read the coroner's findings Photo: Small Steps 4 Hannah
NSW inquest / 2025
Lilie James
Her parents have called for better education and awareness, so the signs are recognised sooner.
“Awareness, education and speaking up matters.”Jamie James, Lilie's father, November 2025
Read the coroner's findings
Books, podcasts & screen
Sometimes a story gives us the words.
Not the usual list of hotlines. Stories that put words to it, and the women who have lived it.
Book club, this month
See What You Made Me Do
Jess Hill
An Australian investigation into how control works inside a relationship, and why it is so hard to see from within.
One book, one show and one podcast each month. The library grows as we go.
What stayed with you?
A line you underlined. A page you read twice. The moment you recognised.